09 Feb 2006, finally I found a job after I get myself jobless for around couple of month. The endless suffering when the time I was finding a job… a proper job. Calling to the agent that could help me to find a job in factory. I still remember that time my wallet was empty without a single penny inside. Traveling around hoping I could found some friend that can borrow me some cash so that I can spend my time in the cyber café for couple of hour without thinking bout my future. Hopeless I would say to myself that time. Worst than a beggar…No..no they’re not worse. It’s just me, a hopeless person. Even my own parent got nothing to say anymore to encourage me… sometimes not even a single word were come out from their mouth when they saw me lying on my bed all day long. Like they’ve already gave up bout my future. But the night before the Agent called me, suddenly…Yes suddenly..for no reason my mind brings me back to the past… starting from my childhood time… a flash back… I saw my parents before they divorce… there are a loud shouting inside their room. Shouting like they are going to murder each other. Their voice was too blurring…I couldn’t understand every single word they saying but I knew what is gonna happen. After I blink my eyes, I’ve been sitting beside my mom in the morning. My Mom wrapped her arm around my little body. It’s too real. I was confused; I ask myself a lot of question … “how did I get my self to the past? And why??” My mom tears drop one by one on top of my head, I use my little thumb to wipe my Mom tears but it’s seem like it couldn’t stop. I start to say something… “Mama don’t cry… why you are crying? Are you sick? Please don’t cry anymore… “After heard what I say she starts to hugs me more tightly than before… “After Mama not around anymore you must take good care of your little brother and your grandma…Be a good boy… I love you…” she said. My eyes start to fill with tears. I cried…all I knew that time I cried very hard… yes another blink again…she’s gone…as well as my Father… They both left me and my brother. I still remember that time me and my brother like to wave to every single plane that pass by the sky on top of our wooden house, hoping if our dad would be in one of those plane. “Papa bye bye!! Remember to buy us toys!! …papa..bye-bye..!!” we both shout in the same time.
Sometimes I like to sit beside my grandma in the kitchen. I will ask her a lot of thing bout my dad. “When is papa coming back?? Will he buy me toys or story books??” I asked. My grandma stops her hand for awhile then she stare to me with a fading smile. “He’s coming back soon…” she said with a smile. “How bout mama?” I asked. “Mama… she’s busy…working” she replied and nodded. I knew she already divorce with dad but still I pretending and ask the stupid question… hoping it’s not real…. The night before my Dad comes back. I couldn’t get my self to sleep…I don’t know…perhaps I was too happy or excited… by the next morning me and my brother will sit in front of the door to play our toys while waiting our dad to reach home. Suddenly a sound of bang, sounds like someone just knock our rusty steel door with a wooden stick. Me and my brother stood up, take a look and it’s was our dad. All I know is I’m missing him so much… he’s seldom comes back due to his current work very hard to take any leave. 3 of us will spend the time together all day long… watching TV, play some puzzle, wrestling in bed and walk at the nearby park. I don’t know why my brother seems like he doesn’t really want to talk to dad…or maybe for a little child it’s easy to forget someone if they leave them for a long time. He prefers to stick with grandma than dad…that only could get a few days off in a year time. After 3 years, finally my dad going to bring me, my bro and Grandma to stay him together. He’s not going back to KL anymore because he found a job here as a Chef but…he’s not coming back alone… her name is Jeniffer…my dad new soul mate. … one day my dad brings me and my brother to go for a movie with “her”. Suddenly I heard Dad says “Call her Mummy...or else I won’t bring you both go out anymore…hehe” Dad said with little a laugher follow by it. Maybe me and my brother still young back then. “Mummy...” both of us voice up together. She smile and start to tickle my dad. Her face turns to blush…maybe in her mind were too excited and happy to have us both to accept her as a “Mother”. She read for us Enid Blyton book every night and also a good night kiss that my own mother never gave me one before. For a children…I mean for the age around 7 to 8… it’s a difficult moment if they are going to further their childhood without a Mother to support them. For me, no matter how much she done for me and my brother, she stills an outsider to me. I can’t love her as how I loved my own mother…
Till now I’m still calling her Mummy, I didn’t hate her…just that the feeling still remain like last time… she gave birth to one Son and Daughter as the time pass by. My half brother and sister. But for them…it’s strange because I can treat and love them like my own brother and sister. Maybe it’s the blood that running in our vein is the same blood from our Father. My relation with my Father… turns bad after I reach the age of 10. He starts to have a gap between me and him. We seldom talk and play around like before. Prefer to scold me than talk to me I would describe. That makes me so hate him by that time. “GO TO READ YOUR BOOKS!! DON’T PLAY THOSE STUUPIDD TOYS ANYMORE!! YOU AREN’T YOUNG ANYMORE…STOP PLAYING!! AND GET YOUR ASS TO YOUR BOOKS!!! ARE YOU LISTENING TO WHAT I SAYING TO YOU RIGHT NOW??!!” He Shout at me every time he saw me playing with my younger brother. I was only 10 back then…so I stop to play with my brother and also I remember that me and Dad didn’t have any conversation anymore after the shout that I received from him… I still remember on that year… I found out the date of his birthday and I try to figure what kind of present should I give to him. That night before Dad reach home from work. I take some old story books wrap it with present paper… he reach home around 11pm something like that. I pass him the present and I say” Papa…Happy Birthday!!”… He didn’t say anything or smile…he unwrapped the present and just simply threw away the books…all of those books fly over my head and landed on the floor. As He goes in his room I saw his mood less face while he closes the door shut. Perhaps he’s been working too tired. Like every normal Sunday morning, I will wake early around 8am then I’ll drag my self to the sink and start to brush my teeth. After that I will sit in front of the TV waiting for my favorite TV program Sesame Street at 8.30am. I can see my brother still sleeping inside the room from the place where I sit and wait. Grandma will bring 1 glass of Milo and some toast bread or noodle she bought from the market to me as breakfast every weekend morning…The show start. While I’m enjoying the show I saw Dad came out from his room, like usual there no smile or any emotion I can describe by looking at his face. With his topless body he put him self at the cushion that just beside mine. I’m still starring at him… Wondering…and just keep wondering where has He been?
Sometimes I will observe some of the parents that come to fetch their children after school. Their Father attitude not even close to my own Father. Makes my heart Envy to most of them. The jokes, laughter and conversation that I’ve lost with my Dad. A little boy who feel so empty and lost in his very heart. Like a torturing soul… I miss Mom so much sometimes. I miss them Both… Time pass by again, I reach the age of 17. I can say that I’ve used to his attitude and how he treat me all this years. My Dad stops his job title as a Chef De Pâté (I don’t know if I spell correct or not) past few years ago and starts to open a coffee shop. Don’t know why suddenly I got courage to talk with him that day. Told him that I need more time to study than going to the shop to help you because SPM is just around the corner. He go in the room get him self a big luggage and then he threw to the floor and say “If You wish to stay more time at home because of study please get out of my HOUSE!!!” . “What should I do? What have I done??” I kept asking my self. Self confusing, my mind gone crazy after I heard what Dad ask me to do. We stare to each other for awhile. My heart tremble with fear… as I feel like my blood is keep rushing to my head. Afraid that he will raise his hand up and slam it right to my face…I try to say something, like the world is going to meet the end but… my mouth has been freeze by those eyes that keep staring at me without a blink. I put my eyes a side “I’m sorry…Papa…” I said then shut my eyes tight follow by little tears which came out from my left eye… Me and Grandma move back to our old house after my SPM. That time I told my self that I will never return to stay with my Father anymore. The story is almost coming to the end as it will stop at my age of 20 where I regret what I’ve did and how gave up my study… I never blame Dad for what he has done to me…I know he just want his son to be as tough and good as him but no…his son never learn how to be like him to be a useful person instead he keep repeating a lot of mistakes and sins in his life. It’s like teleporting to another world while I let my mind play by it self. Bringing me to the past and watch every single wrong thing that I’ve done before. I really want to make my own Father proud to whom I am. Proud to answer to his friends “Ya…my elder son now study in the University...” For the first time I reach so close to my very heart. That night It’s seems like God has just replenish my mind. I wake up and sit at the balcony of my house. I lift my cigarette and light it up. That night, the sky was crystal clear. I can see the cloud so clear. I saw the smoke from my mouth floating to the air like it’s going to mix with the cloud that floating peacefully on the clear night. The moonlight is bright enough to get thru to any cloud that pass by it. How I wish I could sit at the cloud with the one I love and enjoying every single moment with her like the time of Forever won’t be enough, thinking of someone after my flash back to the past.
Alive but not living, Dead but not Departed. This is the only quote that I can describe to my current situation. The impact and pain that I receive so often daily weaken me day after day, I wish God will grant me the strength again for me to bear and endure all of this. So that I could push and drag my dying soul to move forward…I guess…God always been there for me all this long, like He was walking beside me every time I lost. Always show me the path that I’ve ignore all the time. Why my Lord? Why I’ve been so blind all this long? … I wake up in the morning… finally understood the reason…the reason to carry on. Like a Fallen Angel trying to spread his broken wings. Ignore the pain as God already grant me the strength and I can feel His presence beside me and smile to me. “For someone, you shall not be the same like before…For someone you will show the world you’re still standing, For you a Thousand Times over”
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