Failure

It's been ten years since my last blog about my life. For all these years i try to improve to intimate what's my successful friends being achieved. I do agree in certain point in my life i felt I've active everything I've ever needed but not what I've always wanted. I always thought I'm in the right direction, to be someone that everyone envy and followed but the truth is I'm not always be the real me.

The mask that I'm wearing been cracking, falling pieces by pieces. I'm back to square one, to someone that everyone hated and making people around me got into trouble. I assume that I'm helping but end up with problems that caused them with my own issues. Unable to resolve my issues in life. There's always the ending to solve things.

I assume and always thought I'm the right position to judge and correct people which I'm not. I don't even wise enough to brace things that occurred to me. Tears and the pain in my heart goes thru everyday without control. I have the walls surrounding me, I hate people laughing around me, I hate those mistake I've done, i have the thoughts that i already ahead of people and i hate everything that cross over my head.

Trying with all my might never enough. I always on the situation people will ignore me and yes i know I'm always irritate people. The one i love already ignore me. Which i can't tolerate and still stubborn with thoughts that which not true perhaps. I miss the time i laugh with people and the one i love by my side. I miss everything. Time can't be reverse and be the same. The damage already penetrate to them. I'm in no where to be excused.

I can't save everyone after all. Like this phrase in malay "you can't put carpet everywhere but you can where shoe to avoid your feet dirty". At least i tried won't be sufficient too save me anymore. Alive but not living dead but not departed. I'm the middle of no where. I shut my door again. To prevent people to getting hurt because of me. I will silence myself again like before. Forgive me for everything I've done..